


The Journey of a Thousand Yards Starts with One Step

by velveteenspirit



Series: Distance [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Poor Bucky Barnes, Poor Tony, Sad, Temporary Character Death, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-28 06:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11412372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velveteenspirit/pseuds/velveteenspirit
Summary: Tony is gone and Bucky can only sleep with Tony tinkering in the workshop so JARVIS displays a hologram version but it's not the same, until it is.





	The Journey of a Thousand Yards Starts with One Step

He cannot sleep. The Winter Soldier was adapti - no, Bucky, damn it, Bucky, _remember!_ \- Bucky Barnes was adapting to life in the tower. He is a feral cat trying to get used to living, not surviving. It is hard. He eats, and socialises (when Steve drags him from his refuge in the dark), even if that means sitting in silence around the kitchen island eating banana porridge as the rest of the Avengers scream domesticity around him. Banana porridge is one of the only things he can keep down at the moment. There is always, without fail, at least 5 packs in the cupboard, no matter how much he eats. He’s not sure how it gets there but it’s not Steve; his mother henning demands Bucky has a balanced diet.

 

He’s functioning fine. All self-diagnoses he’s done - a necessity from his time with HYDRA (limbs -1, blood level, neural activity, memories? what memories? who am I? ‘Wipe him again.’) are finding nothing wrong with him. But he cannot sleep. 

 

He is perpetually exhausted. Steve gives him the eyes - he remembers the eyes, a damn puppy couldn’t compare - sometimes and even recruits Sam, who with the best of intentions, speaks to him in a gentle tone and says it’s ok, after what he’s been through, nightmares are expected. It’s not nightmares. Well, he has them, sure, but they aren’t the issue. He knows the blood on his hands, his fucking soul is saturated with it. The issue is he physically cannot sleep. He has tried several methods so far.

 

Test results are as follows:

 

Sleeping pills - successful for 48 hours, but dosage had to be increased due to serum resistance until accidental overdose resulting in Steve eyes and Sam tone.

 

Drinking - unsuccessful. Cannot get drunk and taste is not soothing. Along with everything else, scotch tastes like ash in mouth.

 

Physical exhaustion - promising, but after running a work record beating marathon, was more buzzed and awake than ever. Pain was good.

 

He knows he can go a long time without sleep, he’s had to before; time critical missions don’t care about the optimal functionality of a broken HYDRA toy. He’s gone 3 weeks and more without sleep and sure he got stabbed because he wasn’t concentrating but that’s not important, he can do it. But it’s been _7 weeks_. The others don’t really get it, how can they, they try to help but he is currently a zombie, nothing behind the eyes. He thinks maybe it could be some residual brainwashing or maybe even neural damage from the bionic arm’s artificial nerves. So he thinks maybe the resident genius and fellow recluse might know.

 

Steve isn’t sure about the idea of asking him.

 

‘I don’t know, Buck, Tony is…once you ask him about it, he won’t stop ’til it’s perfect. That works, sure, but when I say he won’t stop, he just won’t until he collapses. Nothing is more important to him than the Avengers, not his job and certainly not himself. I learned that the hard way. Just…maybe just get him to do some maintenance on the arm first?’

 

‘Sure. Maintenance. 100% functionality.’

 

Those puppy eyes, he _swears_.

 

Despite Steve’s emphatic warning, Tony looks like a kid in a candy shop when he’s approached about the arm.

 

‘Are you kidding me, Barnes, I’ve been waiting for this day my whole life…well ok not my whole life because I was a kid at some point and then of course you were with HYDRA and then I went to-’

 

‘Stark.’

 

‘Right, rambling, sorry. Ok, take a seat.’

 

Over the next few weeks, maintenance became a full overhaul of the arm and by the end of it, he wasn’t even feeling any pain. When he mentions it to Tony (when had he become Tony?), the man’s face pales considerably and he stares, horrified.

 

‘What? I got somethin’ on my face or what?’

 

Tony wasn’t really responding, staring off into the distance. He’d call someone to fix him but Barnes knew what it was like to get lost in your mind so he sat testing his essentially new arm until he came back. Which he did. 

 

As Tony blinks rapidly, JARVIS quietly says ‘27 minutes, Sir’ and the man nods and looks back to Barnes.

 

‘…you’ve…you’ve been in pain this whole time?’

 

Bucky could sense a tension in Tony. He attempts to help.

 

‘Well, I mean, yeah, but it’s been like 70 years, it’s more a dull ache unless it’s being changed. I’m used to it, man.’

 

As I’m sure everyone will be incredibly shocked and surprised to hear, this did not help. Tony’s pale face had developed a slightly green tinge (not Banner worthy for sure, but not far off).

 

‘So when I…when I worked on it all this time, it was… _hurting you_?’

 

‘…maybe? But look, it’s fixed now and it doesn’t hurt and it-’

 

Tony ran to the bathroom and retched and retched until nothing was left. Bucky wonders how he’s gotten food poisoning when the inventor never eats anyway. Huh.

 

A long while later, Tony is guzzling a bottle of water and running a shaking hand through his greased hair.

 

‘Don’t ever let someone hurt you again. Don’t let _me_ …’ he trails off, looking ill again. Bad food poisoning, he thinks.

 

‘Anyway, hey, so since the arm is at 100% again, did you happen to see any neural damage?’

 

Tony, still kind of out of it, looks confused and then shakes his head.

 

‘Um, no? I mean at the limb to prosthetic site, there’s some minimal abrasions but I fixed most of it. You’re not in pain now, right?’

 

‘No, no, it doesn’t hurt, I just think I’m maybe not running at full functionality.’

 

Tony frowns and sits back in his chair. Whether he’s frowning at the technicality of his words or what he’s saying, he doesn’t know.

 

‘What do you mean?’

 

‘I can’t sleep.’

 

He relaxes at this, even smiles a little.

 

‘Ah, I get you. Yeah, I’m not great at sleeping either. A few days in the lab and I crash and then of course, the nightmares and the-’

 

‘No, Tony, I cannot sleep.’

 

He takes a minute to process the words and then cautiously asks JARVIS when Barnes last slept.

 

‘Sergeant Barnes has not slept naturally since his arrival. This is excluding the exercise, alcohol consumption or overdose Sergeant-’

 

‘Wait, _overdose_?!’

 

Tony is quickly heading into the stratosphere with that octave jump.

 

‘Yeah, sleeping pills, had to increase the dose, mostly wasn’t deliberate and-’

 

‘-MOSTLY?!-’

 

‘-anyway, you think it’s neurological?’

 

‘Fuck, Bucky, you’re determined to kill me. Um, right ok, I guess it could be? I mean, I’ll have to do more tests and make sure there isn’t another damn device in your brain blocking the consciousness paths but then if that was the issue, the OD wouldn’t have made you go and then of course there’s the issue of the artificial nerves messing with readings and I’ll have to see you much more and…’

 

Bucky doesn’t hear anything else after that point.

 

It’s much later (his body clock is accurate to the second) when he opens his eyes still on the couch he’d been before and extremely disorientated. He squints his eyes and sits up straight.

 

‘Oh, thank god, I thought you were in a coma.’

 

Tony’s voice at his desk grabs his scattered attention.

 

‘…what…happened?’

 

‘I think sleep happened. Maybe it was the lack of pain or something. But you definitely needed it. 34 uninterrupted might help you catch up. That’s how it works, right?’ Tony is looking at him but Bucky can’t get past the fact that he slept. Peacefully. Naturally.

 

‘Um…I need to go.’

 

‘Oh, right, right, sorry shouldn’t have kept you. I have repairs to do anyway, so yeah, I’ll see you later.’

 

He turns away to tinker with a useless piece of metal, but Bucky catches the small look of rejection in his eye. He can’t really process anything right now so he’ll sort it later. Oh, apparently his brain has decided he’ll sort it. He leaves the workshop slowly and doesn’t see Tony for 12 days.

 

He feels refreshed for the first few days, more alert and willing to be around humans. The puppy eyes are gone, thank fuck. But then he feels it again, the exhaustion pulling at his muscles and making him nauseous enough that even banana porridge isn’t helping (there’s still a fully stocked supply of them, though).

 

He tries to sleep again. He doesn’t try pills this time because that is apparently a Bad Thing. So he tries putting the TV on in the background. The mindless chatter helps but it isn’t what he needs. He goes down to the workshop where Tony seems to live. The inventor is working on some arrows for Clint, EMPs (but wouldn’t that take Tony down too?).

 

‘Hey, Stark?’

 

‘Yeah? Oh and for the fiftieth time, call me Tony, I’m not just a _Stark_.’

 

It’s said with such venom he doesn’t bring it up again. Tony didn’t even look up from his work.

 

‘Look, I can’t sleep again and it’s a problem. I’m not working to full capacity.’

 

‘It’s not about capacity, Bucky, it’s about being bad for _you_.’

 

‘Yeah ok, _hypocrite_. Anyway, so you know anything I can do?’

 

‘Well, I mean maybe you could try a cognitive recalibration but no, that’s pain and I don’t think Cap would exactly approve of bashing your head off a hard surface and then maybe you could use electrical current and I could develop a headpiece to- no no that’s too much like before, won’t do that to you, ok so maybe…’

 

It happens again.

 

When he wakes this time, Tony is there looking at him unhappily.

 

‘Ok so I worked out why you fall asleep here. I bore you so much your mind rebels.’

 

He doesn’t say it like he's surprised, only resigned to his apparent fault. Faults.

 

‘Um, I don’t think so.’

 

‘Oh really? So it's a coincidence that the only two times you’ve fallen asleep naturally round here are when I’m rambling on the way I always do. Seriously, it pisses people off, Buck, I’m not offended. It’s not you, it’s me. Ha.’

 

He’s miserable. Even as broken as the soldier is, Bucky can’t leave him like this.

 

‘No Tony that’s not it. I find it…relaxing?’

 

Tony stares at him for a long time. He’s doing everything he can to spot the lie in his words and when he doesn’t, he sits back in his chair and simply says ‘oh’ and there’s a very small, almost not there smile tugging at his lips.

 

They keep up a routine to keep Bucky functional (‘happy, Bucky, _happy_.’). Bucky hasn’t had sleep for a few days and he goes down to the ‘shop and Tony explains what he’s currently working on. It goes completely over his head but that isn’t the point. Tony’s eyes get darker and darker each day, but he won’t hear it. Hypocrite, like Bucky says. 

 

All is well. Until it’s not.

 

It’s a mission and Bucky still isn’t up to fighting yet so he stays back. He regrets it immediately when he sees the dirty and battered Avengers almost crawl through the door after fighting the villain of the week. All but one. Steve just looks at him and he _knows_. He doesn’t sleep for a long time after that.

 

Tony had been so horrified at the idea of Bucky’s arm hurting before. Where is he now his whole damn body _aches_.

 

The tower isn’t the same at all. It’s quiet and it reminds Bucky too much of the long silences he endured on missions for Hydra that could last up to 8 months without human contact. He isn’t doing so well anymore.

 

It takes a long time for him to be able to go to the workshop without feeling pain and fear and guilt and regret. When he does though, it’s cautiously, as if Tony’s spectre is going to jump from behind a shelf and shout ‘gotcha’ and they both laugh until they cry. Well, there’s no laughing. And no Tony. He sits on what has become his couch and smiles faintly as the bots greet him. They aren’t as excited as they were to see him before. He isn’t surprised. He’s a poor replacement. He sits in silence for what seems like a long time, waiting for some kind of sleep to reach him, and is considering pills just to spite the damn inventor, when an idea strikes him.

 

‘JARVIS?’

 

‘Yes, Sergeant Barnes?’ Even JARVIS’ voice has a forlorn tone to it. The loss is felt deeply.

 

‘You know your hologram capabilities? How…how extensive are they?’

 

‘My sensors can recreate images to 99.287365% accuracy, Sir.’ He shouldn’t be Sir. Only To-there was only one person that was sir.

 

‘So…if you were to recreate someone using data you already had and then mimic their behaviour, that would work?’

 

‘Yes, I believe so. Did you have anyone in mind?’

 

He almost doesn’t say it. He almost lets the man rest in peace.

 

‘JARVIS, recreate Stark, Tony with his last known parameters and using previous linguistic data, simulate and monologue discussing work.’

 

The AI doesn’t hesitate and suddenly before him at the ‘shop desk is Tony, greasy tee and all, smiling that mischievous smirk of his and tinkering away with nothing at all. It _hurts_. This was a mistake, he can’t even try to do this, it’s wrong and if the others see, it’ll be too painful for them. But he knows Tony wanted him to sleep. And now that not-Tony has started talking, he’s already starting to feel drowsy. It feels like a betrayal but he can’t help it. It’s been weeks. Not-Tony lulls him to sleep just like real Tony did. Past tense hurts too.

 

This also turns into some kind of sordid routine. When Cap’s puppy dog eyes are drowning him and the grief is the stone weighing him down, he goes down and asks JARVIS to turn the sim on. It gets to the point where the AI has not-Tony already set up when he gets down there. It’s not real (he can tell by the lack of grease in his hair and the lack of spark in his eyes), but he wants it to be. All isn’t well, but it’s better this than accepting the alternative.

 

He goes downstairs like always. Today is a bad day. He manages to start sleeping in his bed (which feels like even more of a betrayal than before) but almost instantly he had a horrific nightmare. It’s Tony’s dead eyes staring at him and he can’t move, he can’t breathe. So down to the workshop he goes. Tony is there, working away as usual. Bucky moves to his couch and lies down, closes his eyes and waits for the voice he knows and misses to start up, but it doesn’t. Instead, when he uncovers his eyes, Not-Tony is staring down at him. There’s something in his eyes that's different but he doesn’t really care anymore. JARVIS must be running out of memories to pull from.

 

‘Jarv, start the sim already, would you?’

 

‘I’m sorry, Sergeant Barnes, I cannot.’

 

‘Oh, I’m back to Barnes am I? No more Sir? What, you’ve worked out how fucking useless I am now as well?’

 

‘On the contrary, James, I simply-’

 

‘START IT.’

 

‘Bucky…’ There, his voice is back. It’s what he needs. He closes his eyes against the worry he sees and smiles. It’s so like the real thing, he just wants to fall asleep instantly. But then he’s being poked awake again.

 

Holograms can’t poke.

 

His eyes snap open and he sits, expecting an attacker somewhere but seeing only Not-Tony.

 

‘JARVIS, what the hell was that? Who did that?’

 

‘Mr. Barnes, don’t be alarmed, I-‘

 

‘It was me, dumbass who do you think it was?’

 

He ignores Not-Tony completely and glares at the ceiling.

 

‘Don’t be alarmed?! There’s some invisible force in the tower and you tell me not to be alarmed?! And what’s going on with the sim, it’s not supposed to be sassy.’

 

‘Sim? Sassy?!’ Not-Tony looks downright insulted now.

 

‘Sergeant, if you would let me explain, this is not a simulation or a dream or hallucination. Mr. Stark is back. I’m sure he will explain presently.’

 

‘JARVIS, you must have a glitch or something because that...that thing is not and will never be Tony. This was a mistake, I never should've asked you to do it, I’m sorry. Just delete the sim.’ He’s so tired. He was a fool to think it would help and now he’s broken Tony’s AI.

 

Not-Tony has had enough of being ignored and attempts to be angry. It’s cute.

 

‘Will one of you please explain what the hell is going on here? I’m gone all of three months and suddenly you two are having a domestic? Come _on_!’

 

It isn’t the annoyance that makes him see the truth, it’s the vulnerability underneath that questions his validity yet again. That Tony (he will never be Not-Tony again) thinks Bucky could ever possibly want to ignore his existence.

 

‘Tony…?’

 

He can’t believe it but he wants to, so so much. Tony sees that now isn’t the time for explanations, he just needs reassurance.

 

‘It’s me Buck, I’m back. It’s me.’

 

He’s off the couch so fast he gets whiplash but it doesn’t matter because Tony is there and real and how could a simulation have ever compared? They are hugging tightly and it takes a long, long time for them to break apart but when they do, Tony’s eyes, with their spark ever present, are watching him with concern.

 

‘Now what’s this about a sim, Bucky? What did you do?’

 

‘It’s fine Tony, I’ll explain later, just tell me what happened. Please.’

 

He watches him for a few more seconds and then begins a tirade about the shitstorms that are clone machines and how you can never trust the lizard people and Bucky is asleep before his head hits the cushion.

 

This time when he wakes, he panics and is sure it’s been another nightmare and that Tony will still be gone and that this time, he won’t be able to swim the surface and even more, he won’t want to. But he turns and Tony is there, tinkering and talking, random equations and small endearments with his little smile still there. He pauses for a second and looks a little sad.

 

‘Still real, Buck. Still here.’ JARVIS has clearly clued him in.

 

He can sleep. All is well.

 

 

 


End file.
